How to Have a Better Mid-Life Crisis

In 10 Easy Steps

All images by author. Obviously.

You may be planning for a mid-life crisis in the future.

Or you may be in the middle of one right now.

It might never have crossed your mind, but now is the time to start planning for your mid-life crisis, whatever your age.

Fortunately, there are a few simple things you can do right now so that you’re ready for your very own mid-life crisis.

Face it, if you were living 100 years ago, you would’ve been dead by now.

1. Make a lot of money early in life so you can spend it once you get to that midpoint. It’s hard to splurge on flashy things you don’t need when you don’t already have excessive funds in your checking account. So pad up that piggy bank while you can! Put even a dollar a day aside and you will be amazed at how much you can save for your inevitable hysterical breakdown!

2. Don’t stray too far afield in your early days. Stay boring. If you already took up things like paragliding and swinging when you were young, it’s going to be hard for your friends and family to determine when you’ve gone off the deep end into beekeeping and extreme ironing.

3. Do your research! There are so many ways to go completely off the rails. You don’t just have to buy impractical cars and date people half your age. Have you considered taking up risky physical endeavors? Think sky-diving, free-diving, cave-diving. Did you even know that cheese rolling and chainsaw wood carving were a thing? You don’t even know what you don’t know! And your post-mid-life endeavors don’t have to be limited to parkour and lock-picking, though, those are distinct possibilities!

4. Be dazzling. And by that, we mean, bedazzle. Face it, you are past the point of caring what other people think of you! So break out that hot glue gun and sequins. Nothing is too big, too loud, too bold. Do you like chartreuse? Great. Now is the time. Hot pink? Go for it. Pleather? You’re welcome. Not sure about how to dress? Maybe you start making your own. Maria Von Trapp had the right idea and she wasn’t even 30.

5. Start collecting. You can be a collector at any age. And I don’t just mean regrets and parking tickets. Stamps have been done. Salt and pepper shakers? Bo-ring. Really think: what are you interested in? Chapsticks? Go for it. Plants? Live your dream. Hair from former lovers woven into scarves that you sell at your local flea market? You do you.

6. Make new friends. Sure you didn’t think it’d be possible to make friends once you hit 40, but as we’ve already established, you no longer give a shit. Befriend the local barista, the owner of the new bookstore, the motorcycle gang passing through. Every stranger is now a potential friend. What are they gonna do? Reject you? No one can reject you more than you’ve already rejected yourself!

7. Embrace change. The first thing that comes to mind might be night sweats, mood swings, and the inability to discern fantasy from reality, but we are talking life change. Have you always wanted to walk dogs, cut hair, learn to weld? Maybe you are interested in pottery or decoupage or large-scale battle reenactments. No time like the present. Break out those goggles and fire them up.

8. Go nude. And by that, we mean no make-up, no frills, no hair products, no heels. And also: just embrace the au natural. With your recent switch to tunics, onesies, and sets, you’ve probably realized that clothes on the whole are too constricting and that big business has been dictating beauty standards for longer than you’ve been alive! So embrace the wonder that is you in your natural form. You can’t find a comfortable bra anyway!

9. Build your network. You are not the only one having a mid-life crisis here. Look around you. That vaping dude with the cardigan and obsession with the Monkeys? Yup. That woman with natural grays and lavender spray popping the CBD gummies? You guessed it! You don’t have to be alone with your ceremonial cacao and crystal habit. Healing crystals and non-alcoholic beverages are for everyone!

10. Find your way. There is no right way to have a mid-life crisis. Each one is unique and eye-opening and yours will be no different. Now, get on out there, and lose your shit. You will be amazed at what you will find when you do!

Kate Brennan is an Artist — Educator — Creator.

This article was originally published in Middle-Pause.

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