Topics I Have Considered Far Too Deeply Based on My Child's Reading Material
Does the tree have low self-esteem?
Can you name the titles?
If anyone can ostensibly purchase a Wonka product, and if adults are the ones with actual jobs and money, how is it that all of the finalists who make it to Wonka’s factory are children?
Why is he called Grumpy Monkey if he is an ape?
Who fed the dinosaurs their first taco?
Is it uncomfortable for the Little Blue Truck that the toad sits inside of him?
After they brush their teeth, and all the animals go up to exercise, do the endorphins keep them up at night?
Why do the letters go back up the coconut tree at the end? Have they learned nothing?
How does the lion disgorge Pierre in one piece?
Why are the eggs green in the first place?
Should we be concerned about Pooh’s blood sugar?
Is Eeyore getting help?
What’s the difference between a frog and a toad?
Why does the pigeon even want to drive the bus?
Where did the caterpillar get all that food?
Did llama llama’s parents name him llama twice or is llama both his first and middle name?
Is Peter Pan just a jerk?
Is Max just a jerk?
Is the Cat in the Hat just a jerk?
Is my misremembering about the spelling of Berenstain Bears proof of the Mandela Effect or a side effect of the brain fog I’ve been living in? Is there a parallel universe in which Nelson Mandela actually died in prison and Curious George had a tail and Looney Tunes was spelled “toons” and “Luke, I am your father” is the real line from the movie? Where did I put the keys?
How come the peach doesn’t rot while they are traveling inside of it — off cliffs, in oceans, in the sky? My peaches rot after a day. In fact, all the food seems to rot faster these days. Is it because I buy organic when something is on the dirty dozen? How many pesticides have I unknowingly ingested in my life? Is it true that there is enough plastic in my blood to make a credit card? We have to switch to only glass containers so the microplastics don’t kill us before the air pollution and gun violence does.
And hold up — have I started to hate this book because the boy is actually a selfish shit and the tree is a codependent pushover?
Or wait, wait. Is it is a larger commentary on how women get taken advantage of, chopped down bit by bit, and sold for parts so that some spoiled oversized child gets to travel, work, and live his best life and in the end, he’s not satisfied anyway and we wind up feeling insufficient because he’s squandered everything we gave him while we’ve been rooted to the same spot trying to grow against all odds but ended up a withered stump which, in our final moments, he actually sits upon?
Why the f&^% are the parents taking their children on a bear hunt?
Originally published in Frazzled.
My daughter likes a bedtime book called 'Goodnight Peter'. Peter is scared of sleeping on his own. Mrs Rabbit prepares a lovely room for him to sleep in and knits him a cuddly toy from scratch, which solves his fears. Presumably, there is a Mr Rabbit somewhere, but Mrs Rabbit seems to be responsible for everything. He doesn't appear. Nor does he appear in ANY OF THE FAMILY PICTURES ON THE WALLS. It's just Flopsy, Mopsy, Cottontail, Peter, Mrs Rabbit, a ghostly blank space beside her head. Is he dead? Having an affair? They never speak of him. I need to know https://www.penguin.co.uk/books/307467/peter-rabbit-tales--goodnight-peter-by-potter-beatrix/9780241658208
Peter Pan totally is a jerk